Part 26: Oioi Oink

Update 26: Oioi Oink

So, remember how we beat up a bunch of A.o.A guys and then arrested the President Chief Officer?

Surprisingly, yes.


Click for music

Yeah, we're still not finished yet. All the NPCs are still pigs.

Men, amirite?

Teddy: Kite, the chamber's not working either...



Teddy/Kite: Kail!/...Kail!
Kail: Why won't Kurt turn back to normal? We defeated the A.o.A... right? ...Is Kurt and everyone going to stay this way...?
Kurt: Ooink, oink!
Teddy: N-no. I'm sure there's a way to turn them back! ...right, Kite?!
Kite: ...ye-yeah. I'm sure! You guys wait here. I'll go look into it!

So, the gist of things is this: we need Kurt to fix the chamber, but we have to figure out how to fix the pig transformation. The pigification? Whatever.

Baconater.



Let's chat with the named and plot-important NPCs, they're probably going to be helpful.

Lisa: Has the Jamming Program that Kurt made not been deleted? If we can get back, we can fix the program... Keith is looking for a way to turn Oinkmon back.
Nick: We can't access the Real World. I wonder why? The Matrix Chamber isn't moving either. What is going on? We still don't know how to get everyone back from Oinkmon. Keith is experimenting in Qing Long City...

Well, that's convenient. Less so the fact that this is all Kurt's fault to begin with, anyway. So, we know where to go next.

Backtrack town?


Click for music

(Which is that we have to go to an auction and not progress the plot in any meaningful way)

(Fuck off)

Mr. : Wild Suit, admired by all members! This Kumamon exclusive clothes will start at 23000 BIT!



This auction's only open for a short time, from after we beat the Chief Officer until the end of this update. Like the other auctions, it's not the end of the world if we miss it.


Click for music

By the way, this happened again This led to a very awkward interaction where I ran into Qing Long, saved, restarted, then ran back out - all for the screencaps.

Defeating the Chief Officer made the program glitchy! Interactive storytelling! Attach magnets to your monitor now!!



You're welcome

Everyone looks so sad.



Anyway, we need to talk to Keith, who's busy in that far end of Qing Long City.

Keith: But there's very little energy, so it's not going too well! Oh, MAN! What are we going to do?



Operator Anne: If there's a strong wind, I think it'll work...

Fortunately, Operator Anne is here to save the day.

Also, I want to draw attention to this. THIS RIGHT HERE. This is how you do signposting in a game. They give you a hint without coming right out and saying 'Go to this location and talk to this person.' It's pretty obvious, if you think about what unique (i.e. not those dorks standing around town) we've seen but not really interacted with. But even if it isn't obvious, there's only so many locations it could be. And the best part is, it's not like a new NPC just popped up out of nowhere, this one's been there the whole time.

Yeah, you had to be paying attention to piece together all the clues. Not that we'll blame you if you didn't.



Anyway, what we'll be doing is taking a quick shortcut through the Amaterasu Kicking Forest Circuit Board. It has a lot of different entrances and exits, and there's one that connects, conveniently, to the Asuka Kicking Forest.



Of course, because I'm fucking retarded, I don't end up there.

Holy shit, Bellsprout.


Click for music

Ahem. Well, a quick trip later and we're in Seiryu City, right outside the Zephyr Tower.

Get it? Zephyr? Wind?

no.



This boy's got some big wings. I bet he might be able to create some wind, right?



...Well, uh, shit.

Kite: Hey, Airdramon. I've got a favor to ask.
Airdramon: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Kite: Airdramon, can you go to Qing Long City and blow some wind? We don't have enough power to turn everyone back from Oinkmon... Airdramon, help them. Come on, wake up!
Airdramon: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Kite: But I guess that's not possible... OK, I'll find some other way...



Stymied by Airdramon's masterstroke of a bargaining move, sleeping, Kite fucks off.

Just...hit him with your Digimon?



Well, alright then. I'm sure the eye opening doesn't actually mean anything, so let's just go back to Qing Long and see if anyone has any other ideas.

Lazy ass Digimon.


Click for music!!!

Wait. What's this? Real music, not the A.o.A Theme?

...What.

What's this? There's no pigs in the city?

...WHAT.

Oh fuck.



Keith: He spun the windmill...and presto! Now if we can just get back, it will be a happy ending!

Holy shit, it worked! The game didn't require any bullshit plot device or Digi-Egg, it just wanted you to make the connection between wind and Zephyr and go talk to Airdramon.

This is amazing. When did this game suddenly become tolerable?

aaaaaaaaaa

Nooooo!

Competence!

RUN YETI, RUN! THIS ISN'T DIGIMON WORLD 3


Click for music!!!

And the music's good again, and the NPCs are back (okay, so two out of three's not bad...)



Like, holy shit. What is this game anymore?


Click for music

Alright! Kurt's back to normal, and all we have to do is wait for him to fix the chambers.

Everything is looking up!



While we're waiting, how about I break the game wide open and make half of the grinding pointless?

Mr. Wedge: OK, back to work! We've got good items in the back too, so look around!

Because now that we've turned everyone human again, we have access to the Amaterasu Black Market.



The equipment side of the Black Market has, as it turns out, every single piece of equipment available to us through the Auction. Turns out, they're just a lot more expensive. So, the only real downside of not hitting the auctions at the right time is that you have to pay for all the stuff.

I pick up all the items we've missed.

Hooray. I detest missable items in RPGs, so it's glad the devs let you re-acquire them (at a higher cost to give weight to the auction gimmick)



On the other market, we have...

Heh. Heheh.



HAHAHAHAHA



Ahh...

Kumamon is now a fucking engine of destruction. His biggest drawback was one, how slow he was to level up, and two, the incredibly low MP pool available for using the ridiculously powerful techs.

With the chips available to me, both of those problems are solved.

Mr. Fuzzums has come into his own and, unless voted off the team in the end, will be my leading dude for all time.



I KNEW IT! I KNEW MR.FUZZUMS WAS OP

Fuck whoever was saying the Mr.Fuzzums joke needs to die



Ahem. Well, let's go see the idiots in charge of getting us out of here.



Giver, what do you think the odds are on us having to go fix their problem because the person specifically in charge of fixing things can't fix things?

About as high as anyone of us making a sarcastic comment.



Teddy: I wonder how it works. I kinda want to know!



Account Login: Now all we need is the Matrix Chamber to work.



Kail: ...and he's going to fix the program now so... We can go back to the Real World soon!



Damn straight, Kurt.

Recognition!

Kurt: I'm checking the Matrix Chamber right now... But there's something affecting the system from the outside. Something is getting inside the system I designed... Then it must also be inside the Optical Net Administration System. ...maybe the A.o.A's plan hasn't been foiled yet.

Ugh. Really? We solved literally everything. Fine, fine, whatever. The game's earned some goodwill thanks to having actual music, I figure this brings it back down to neutral.



Buuuut, of course, the Admin System in our current server isn't good enough. No, we need to head back to Asuka.

But... Amaterasu is the A.o.A's HQ. Wat?



Also, Kite still doesn't get Art.




So, remember how the Amaterasu Kicking Forest connects to the Asuka Kicking Forest? Turns out, this particular entrance to the Circuit Board sends us to that particular board, and it's right next to the Asuka Kicking Forest exit.

2complicated4me




From there, a quick trip through the Seabed...



And here we are, back in Central Park. The thing is, if you know exactly where to go, the travel time really isn't terrible. Of course, this would be a lot easier if, oh, I don't know, the Circuit Boards and Seabeds had clearly labeled entrances and exits, not to mention the ability to know where the hell I was going.

So, Giver and I are both pretty heavily involved in Megaman Battle Network, though Giver moreso than myself. And Battle Network did the whole twisty-turny internet maze thing too, but it worked really well because every single map was different and not a combination of five different rooms put together in a strange and meaningless combination.

That, and the color scheme helps you locate the main path. This game looks colorful, but the maps look so much...bigger? Judging by the screenshots, anyway. With the high encounter rate, it just becomes a chore.

Ugh.



Right, that's enough of that. Let's just fix the problem already and get the hell outta here.

Kite: Asuka's Game Master was sending Vemmon somewhere... Maybe there's some clue! Let's go in further!

We step forward.



...what.

No! No more! STOP!



WHAT.

What the fuck is this shit.

Other Oinkmon: Oooin, oioink! Oinoink, oink! Oioin, oinnk!

Oscar-winning dialogue right here.



Let's just go inside. Fortunately, we don't have to do some stupid ass art appreciation again, the door's just open.

Kite: OK! Let's go on ahead!



Kite: Hmmm...the Matrix System should be around here... But I don't know how to get the system to work... But Game Master sent Vemmon from here...

Fun fact: We never actually get control in here. It's always a scripted event.



Wait what.

THEY'RE MULTIPLYING

The Vemmon bolt.
Kite: Wh-why is Vemmon here?! ...can it be... Well, I gotta follow it!



Yeah, Kite still doesn't get it.


Click for music...

Also the music is back to the A.o.A theme.

YOU WERE DOING SO WELL. WHY.



I'm... I'm not even angry, anymore. Just incredibly, incredibly resigned to the trainwreck that is this game.



There is one bright spot in the darkness, though.


Click for music

Pig auction fuck yeah

.....kill me.

(The following dialogue is transcribed 100% accurately, swear to god I'm not making this up. I'm not Giver.)

(Fake dialogue would have been better here.)



Mr. : Oink, oin, ooink! Oin, ooink, ooin oi oiin oinko! Oi oinioi oinoink oinnk oin oinkk oi 30000 BIT!

How do I even react...?



Chief Milly: Oioi 31500 BIT!
RPG Fan Masao: Oin oi 31900 BIT!
Kite: Hmm. 32000 BIT...hmmm...

Umm...



Mr. : Oink! 32000 BIT! Oinoink, oink 32000 BIT? Oin oink oioink oink oioink oink. Oioi Oink nk oionko 32000 BIT! Oinkoinnnk oi oink oi oiii! Oi oinkoo oinoiko oin oioinnnk oink!





Kite: OK, I got a pretty cool item, so let's see what it does.

Swear to god, this isn't edited in any way.

There is no longer a point to our commentary; this game has the best jokes.



Unfortunately, we don't actually get an item called the Oioi Oink. It's actually the Brave Armor - and it's the last auction! Finally, we never have to do this ever again.

Next time, we figure out what the fuck just happened and how the fuck to undo it.